Loved Or To Be Loved

broken-heart-healed

Since my teenage, I was quite interested in falling in love. I did not have the appearance, but still wanted someone to love me. I must have had a dozen crushes during my school days, but not many must have noticed me. I would listen my friends talking about their flirtatious conversations. Sometimes it really broke my heart to see my crush date another girl.

My love life started with me getting into college. The more I got involved, the lesser i cared about myself. The value of my love became inversely proportional to my marks. I failed, I struggled, I did not want my college friends to look down on me. I just kept struggling. I fell in love with someone, I don’t think he even considered me a girl friend. I was just another girl for him. I hurt someone, and hence he left me. Even now I know my intentions were not wrong. It was hard to make them believe that. After about a month of depression, just to forget everything, I started dating another guy. In a few months, I fell in love with him. He cared about me. We spent about 3 years together. And finally it did not work out. He had reasons not to be with me. I did not have any. I begged him to come back, but he did not. After months and months of begging I realized how foolish I had been. If people don’t respect you, that is a problem. But if you lose your self respect, that is a bigger problem.

I lost my job, I lost everything I thought I had. I went into a severe depression. The worst a person can do when he is depressed is to think that he will be able to come out of that on his own. My family did not know i was depressed, I did not have friends. I was all alone. Except there was someone, who somehow, was available for me during that time. Another college friend. I would be myself while talking to him. He would not mind a thing I would say. He was always there to support me from a distance. Even when I started dating, he was there. I just loved talking to him. And there was a time when I fell in love with this guy. But again because of my fault it did not work out.

After having several failed relations, I finally found someone who really cared enough to accept me and love me the way I am. I love him too. I care about him and his honesty. But memories can’t be deleted. I see my friends who were in love with someone else and got married to someone else, but I do not understand. I just could not do that. People say I will hurt my family, but why would they be hurt if I make a choice that makes me happy. I chose him. I had many reasons not to. But I knew, he loved me more than I did. I do not know, people say girls are bitch in case of love. I might have been one. But I still sometimes remember my old days with the other guys i had been with me, and I remember the good times we shared.

I had always wanted to fall in love with one. But if things did not work out, I always managed to find another. So is it true that love is just once? I feel love can happen as many times as you want to. I do not feel guilty, i cherish all the moments I have spent with the different kinds of people i have been with. I loved them. All of them. It was true love from my side. But when I got someone who loved me back with all his heart, I knew he is the one to chose.

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